You left me in the dark, I had to find out for myself if you got there safely. I had fun today but you kept entering my mind, in and out, in and out. Always wondering if you're okay, having fun or something. I ask of ONE simple request, just text me when you arrive, can you not complete that easy task? Just ONE fucking text message! That's all! How hard can that be!? Your actions sometimes make me question my importance to you. Please, enlighten me for I am left in the dark. Perhaps I really am ending 2010 with a shitty *bang*.

Come to think of it, it kinda felt and seemed like I was going to miss you way more than you would miss me.. Reassurance? Please?

Ohmygoshhhh! It's been 2 hours and I'm still not done with packing for a simple 3 days and 2 nights getaway for New Years Eve! Talk about insane, this is it! :/

Today marks the final day of 2010. In less than 24 hours the new year will be upon us, we will grow a year older, preferably a year wiser, for some a little bit thinner and for others a year of more giving and love.

This might be one of my last post for the year so I guess I should make it a good one. Already missing my dear *sigh*, have to be strong. Show myself that I can live with or without someone by my side everyday to bring me joy and fun. Conquer.

:) Peace to you readers out there! :D

These 30 days away thing are going to make me stronger. Being too attached is just not a good sign; especially if it makes you me more vulnerable.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. :) Off to bed! x

Today was a great day. :) A really really great day. Not a great day because something spectacular happened but just great because of it's simplicity. Had a reallllyyyy yummy lunch, click here to view picture; then watched She's Out of My league; went over to my darlings place, chilled out, watched his brother play the xbox. Relax, talked, laughed, had dinner, played with their cat, watched Fringe with my boo, went to SS15 for some delish dessert at Snowflake. They have this new one out and it totally topped their initial bestseller. Came home, watched Skyline with my baby and now just here, blogging.

I think..perhaps God does work in mysterious ways. I should thank Him.

Good morning darlings. :) Today shall be a happy day filled with lots of love, joy and fun! (: Woke up really early today to my mother knocking on my door telling me that she's making a whole roasted chicken for lunch. I couldn't sleep anymore after I heard of such news and so here I am, blogging. (:

Let's hope today will be a great one hey? :DD

I've given up chasing after rainbows that don't exist. Happiness that has to be forcefully obtained. And approval to "fit in". I am finally starting to release myself from all the agony of over thinking and hope that one day I will be made. Hopefully on that One day, I'll see that only through perseverance and hard work, some occasional solitude will I "fit in". Till then, I shouldn't remorse. I like this version better, where I can just speak my mind whenever wherever I want. Fits the picture.

Together with all those years we've spent together, so called "growing", I frown upon the idea with bags packed and heart ready to jump into the unknown. After all, a friend once told me 'Friends are seasonal.'

I was this close to letting him see how vulnerable I really am but then I stopped him at the very last 2~3 seconds because I was afraid. Later I reread what I had wrote and thought I think it would be okay if he read it..okay for him to know how much he means to me and how much it would affect me whilst he was away. I asked him, pressured him, read it. Please. He said no. I asked again, practically pleading this time, Read It. Again, he said no. I was left in the dark.

I hate hormones. They make me overly emotional and I end up crying over the slightest thing. It's like sheeshh, get a grip woman, GET A GRIP! It irritates me so. >:( Knowing that you'll be away on holiday for a month brings me joy knowing you'll have the time of your life but yet it makes me sad knowing you're so far away.

So much is going to happen over the one month, simply because it is another chapter just urging to open but how will the chapter play out it's character without one of it's key one by it's side I hate the thought of missing you so much. It makes me feel weak.

First there's New Years that we'll be missing together. So much for the idea of Penang. Then there's 2 weeks of pure nothingness that we could've spent just lazing about watching movies or cooking. To orientation which I probably would have loads of fun telling you about if you weren't going to be so God damn far away. To the beginning of my classes and other interesting things I would find out about my soon-to-be classmates of the year.

I just want to be selfish. Perhaps that IS too much to ask for. I crumble.

Sometimes I wonder, how well fitted I am into the universe and then I start to think, actually, I'm not. I feel like an outsider, will going on this trip strengthen me or break me? Will I have fun or will I feel like an outcast.

So many things stir me, I ponder and ponder but never come to a conclusion. Just like a path in a jungle, curvy and never ending. I'll never know till I've made my mark.

New year, new look. I guess what's funny is that while it hasn't been long since I changed my blog outlook I want to change it again. This time it's going plain, simple, free, easy and just down right true.

Earlier I tried to bake a dark chocolate brownie, I succeeded with help form my mother no less but I realized that life is just passing me by. It's really weird. Just perhaps a month ago I was thinking to myself I'm still young, have so much time and then it hit me that I should show more love towards my aging parents.

As I grow up every year, I only speak of how much I wish to achieve, how much I can achieve but I've never really took the step to actually beginning to achieve my dreams. I guess..that time is now.

Maybe I just need to go away, have time alone. Go to a place where no one knows me and make new friends.

Perhaps that's all I need right now. Things aren't going according to how I like, I don't feel at peace. Someone save me? Please?

There's this uneasy feeling trembling inside my heart. I can't identify what it is but I suspect loads of things are contributing to this unpleasant feeling.

I've tried talking it out, I've tried speaking my mind but none have worked and this peculiar feeling just keeps coming back. I don't like it, I wish to drown myself in music. In the comfort of my room, with my things and my personal space.

Shine your light at me. I need some direction.

Some claim that I've fallen too far, some even say beyond return.

I however beg to differ, I have flown in that direction not because I've been cornered and have no where else to go but instead because I am allowing the wind to take me. I am allowing myself space to grow, teenage years to make mistakes and to live life the way I wish to.

I believe in myself..maybe don't always make the best choices or the smartest ones for that matter; I do however learn from the mistakes, get up and try again.

Supposedly life's detours were actually ways to tell me Hey guess what, this is an option as well. (:

Always smile cause you should never lose that, it's the easiest thing one could possibly do. =)

Cheers.

When you look back at your life are you satisfied?

Do you feel a sense of accomplishment or do you feel useless?

Are you where you want to be or did time pass you by too quickly?

Have these questions ever bombarded your mind before?

Ever feel tempted to just live life and forgo all responsibilities?

Lately I've been second guessing myself numerous times, it drives me nuts knowing that it's late but I can't fall asleep. My mind races through all the fears and uncertainties always haunted that life might take a turn and I meet with an accident.

When will I know? Secure me. Please. What you would give to know what goes on in my twisted mind.

You drive me all sorts of crazy. ;)

Somewhere throughout all those late nights, the long phone calls, the short ones, the movies, the dinners, the dinner with your family, the times we hung out, the time we went on dates, the little disagreements, the talks and the experiences; I fell in love with a man.

That man being You. ((:

The more I discover about you, the more we learn about each other and the more time we spend, my love for you only grows fonder.

x

Freedom of Speech

With the current controversy about Wikileaks all over the web, I want to share my opinion. I do not care if this does not interest you but I believe that it's worth a listen or rather a read.

Freedom of speech shouldn't only be allowed if it doesn't cause distress. It should be permitted even if what's being said steps on some toes. The truth is always worth being heard, no matter how bloody it may be, the truth is undeniable always the best option.

To some, a lie is nothing big. To me, no matter how small, even a white lie is unacceptable. Sure everyone has lied before in their life, some do it for personal gain, others perhaps to protect others but in something as sensitive as government documents, I truly believe that it should be exposed; just as what Wikileaks has done.

Many will be displeased with what's being said and the truth being out but if they really thought lives would be jeopardized, they shouldn't even be sending their troops into environments where they couldn't find a better solution before risking more lives.

I am a very outspoken person and because of that I believe in the cause and am determined to help Wikileaks. I agree that they shouldn't be shut down because as of now, they are the only ones telling the truth. Stating it down on the web where it can never be erased.

Join their cause and sign this petition, don't hesitate. If you think that you'd rather hear/read truth than lies, sign it. -> @Avaaz http://avaaz.org/wkl

Cold Silence

Ever felt like you're so alone? Almost as if you were in a dark alley where all noise be it traffic, someone blasting music out of their iPod speakers or someone getting mugged just seemed so far away.

Where all of it sounded like background music whilst each puddle you stepped in made a huge splash? As if no one could hear you but you could hear every single movement you made sound overly amplified? As if a mosquito were to buzz right past you and you could hear its wings flap at an extreme slow motion speed?

I feel just that way now. In a place that's dark, cold, wet with water droplets dripping in a perfect rhythm beating along a tin lid that had fallen of a trash can. I wonder why sometimes I am so fickled. It drives me up the wall not knowing what's holding me back.

It's as if I were in a movie which depicted me reenacting all the scenes from my life. From my infancy to my teenage years, to my confusion and my enlightenment. It scares me knowing that deep inside there's a little tug. That tug not being a good thing because it means uncertainty. Life is putting me in a bottle and whilst I thrust violently and get hurt in the process to get out, no one sees me, no hears my screams, no one comes to rescue me.

I'm left enclosed. The bottle is thrown into the sea. Enduring so many crashes and tidal waves. Unable to steer only to hope what faith has installed for me will genuinely help me succeed in the future.

I'm afraid.

Perfection

I stood on the sand, watching the sunset whilst taking in the ocean breeze. The beach was quiet, all that would be heard were the rush of the ocean waves. All that could be seen were the beautiful spectrum of colors the sunset brought, birds flying high in the sky, a display to pure perfection. It appeared as if nothing and no one had came to disrupt it.

There he stood, just a little to the far left. He too was embracing the sunset, as I was, till he turned and started walking..towards me. I saw his face, so handsome, genuine kindness just emitted from his eyes as he stood face to face with me.

Every feature on his face was absorbed into my mind. From those stunning brown eyes, that cute short hair, to his sexy smile, I couldn't resist. I held up my hand only to caress his soft skin, slowly pulling him into a long sweet kiss. Memories came pouring in, memories of when we first met, memories of our little dances, skating together hand in hand, every imperfect was perfection in my eyes.

The smallest of details couldn't escape me, he lifted me up giving me a piggyback ride along the beach. As the sun set, he placed me down on the beach and lay next to me. As time went by, the sky darkened and out came the stars that shined so bright.

We glanced at each constellation, knowing that each had a different story to tell. We speculated for a while what their eyes have seen. Over the years, a millennium even so many people, births, deaths, the living, the dead (spirits), the children, the fights and lastly the loving memories shared on that beach.

In all of that time, many things had went through my mind. Thoughts, possibilities, futures, love but never doubts. I came to feel deep in my heart and soul that the man I was with had created too many meaningful experiences with me as we grew together as one as well as individuals.

He was the one whom I saw could be someone I would give everything for. He was my knight in shining armor.