Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Fragmented Thoughts

I find myself lost. More often than not, I dislike this feeling. Today, for the very first time listening to music didn't do me justice. Normally, music evokes a certain sensation, one that is able to encompass all negativity and sadness and replace it with positivity and happy vibes. This was not the case.

So often we overlook what is right in front of us, what we have and somehow it is never enough. I hate knowing the verse "You never know what you've got till it's gone". Fact is, you will never appreciate what you have till it's gone and that's the problem isn't it?

We are in a comfortable zone in our lives. Always having food to eat, clothes to wear, money to spend, things to buy but we somehow always just feel unsatisfied. This quite worries me because I feel like I am part of that statistic. I don't want to be but I am voluntarily allowing myself to be ignorant. Ignorance is not bliss. The phrase is exactly what is is, just a phrase. It is not words put into action.

It's strange how sometimes I feel like I'm the one giving up on myself. Like I don't strive for more but really, I think I'm pretty remarkable. This is not to boast but I can't say I'm completely dissatisfied with myself. Sure I haven't done certain things but these things aren't necessary; or are they?

Usually I am torn yet I am not. It's as if my mind is unable to figure out if I need a certain experience or if I don't. I over think all the time, spend more time thinking than doing something and sometimes talking more than doing or doing without thinking which inevitably leads to disastrous consequences.

I feel like I'm ranting now. Actually I am. See, takes a while to figure what I want. Usually I'd decide on the very last minute even if I planned whatever it was forever ago. I wonder if there's a particular place in the world for fickled minded people like me or perhaps everyone is like this but extremely good at covering it up. Research Question anyone?

Feeling asinine about throwing a fit or crying then later realizing it was perfectly normal and necessary. It's like I don't know if I'm tricking myself into thinking it's acceptable or not. Though, really acceptability should rest solely on shoulders of ones own rather than what society deems adequate, no?

Life startles me. It presents me with an opportunity but then I realize (soon) that this opportunity comes with a price. Life then presents me with a more captivating opportunity to which I seize of course with my better half (boyfriend) in mind as well. Although one can't help but wonder if life is trying to tear us apart or build a stronger relationship. I would like to think it is the latter but sometimes the world just seems to shift is opposite directions and I'm left pondering the horrible thought of separation.

It's frustrating. When you know and want someone so badly but life makes you wait. You wait, yes. Wait wait wait, wait longer, keep waiting, waiting to find out what's at the end of the line. If it's a knot and we're both hanging from it, holding on for dear life, the two of us or... I don't want to think about an or. I would like to say anywhere is better as long as I'm with you but really I need to know more about how we would be together to say those words with conviction and confidence. Boasting to life, HAH, look, we made it. Despite all your efforts, we did it. We're together, stronger than ever.

This has turned into something else. Strange post.

Diverging back, do you ever wonder what life would be if you lived in a parallel universe? What different choices you might have made that lead to alternative lives. If say you didn't stop binge eating, you worked harder and all that, how would you be now?

At times I really just wish there was a God that could be seen and not just based on hope and faith. I just want so badly to surrender my all and give Him my worries, fears and all that unhappiness in exchange for a bright sunny day, a nice and dry park, maybe some apples, a bottle of Moscato, my family and boyfriend, some music and good food. A perfect day to think about nothing and just to enjoy life.

The irony and beauty of what life could be in the future. How I wish upon the stars.