Knowing not, what the heart craves.

Writers are a special kind of people. Each and every writer has a story to tell, an emotion to convey or a vision to put pen to paper, ink to parchment, and breathe life to a tale.

Whether he be a writer of fiction, non-fiction, news articles or scripts. Writers are soulful individuals.

Meet a writer and he will open up your eyes into a world you never knew existed. He will lift the veil in which was the glassiness that layered itself over your retina. A writer will let you into this wondrous imagination and depth that will have you never look at the world the same again.

I've been fortunate in my lifetime. No matter how short it may seem at the moment when looking in the context of the bigger picture. To have the pleasure to have not one, but two, friends who are aspiring writers provides me with great insight into viewing life through a lens never once apparent till recently.

Sometimes it's a challenge to understand the meaning behind the words which are so delicately, intricately and complexly phrased. Yet, the beauty lies where these words offer its reader a glimpse into the mind of a genius or a even madman.  Could one really tell them apart?

It's simply beautiful, the idea of inspiration through words. Just peruse any of Ralph Waldo Emerson's poems and immediately a pulling sensation befalls upon you. Aiming to extract the reader - you, from reality, plunging bottomlessly into a black hole which only seems to go deeper and deeper as your consciousness finds its way. You chase that rabbit. Looping endlessly.

You wonder if you're lost and realize, it doesn't matter anymore. The "real world", the one which distracts, the one which imposes upon you false and manufactured desires, the one which seeks to lure you further away from your true self. That world is the one you leave behind, for a writer, knows not a life without his identity deeply ingrained by going against the grain.

But, how would a writer know his starting and end points if all these experiences are spirals which leads one potentially astray? Or perhaps, the goal is simply self-edification which is what we all should strive for.

Forgiveness

These sorries forever falling on deaf ears I may as well drown in my sorrow. They echo in the reflection of my eyes, layers that impact the retina countless times all you see is depth and darkness. Reflection of light? What light? Reflection of confusion and uneasiness more like. An ocean of regret just engulfing me day by day. Locked in my heart, at war with my mind, which should concede to being wrong? To choosing unwisely. To deciding too abruptly. Just show me colors of the sky. Maybe they will reflect alternate realities, viewing life through different shades of the rainbow... ya know? Allowing me not to delve back in time but to choose a different course. Please. Liberate me.

I just wish people would quit leaving/moving; but, alas such is the cycle of life.

There are certain ties you take for granted and certain ties that you place too much emphasis on. The problem lies when you mix the two up and realize too late what you should have done from the very beginning.

Appreciation is too powerful an act not to display whenever possible. Sometimes we believe a person, thing or situation is constant and begin taking those times for granted, never fully believing how fleeting those moments are until they are almost gone or have passed.

A cast of gloom has befallen the times, degrees of black and white are played with using shadows, carefully negotiated just so proper depiction of a scene can be portrayed. A perfect tint painted to symbolize and evoke just the right emotion when you place enough heart and soul into it.

Distant universes, paralleled lives, split outcomes

I woke up and saw you staring down at me with a funny face. That cute adorable expression that only a little 5 year old would have, as I looked at you and you at me, you smiled and I knew it would be a good day. As I turned to look out of the window, the sweet melody that came from singing birds brightened my morning, the wind blew, trees swayed and the sky was clear. 

As my shoulders leveled and my head swerved in search for you, you and that smile were no where to be found. Tip-toe-ing out of bed I peered past the curtains that separated the bedroom from the hall which hung high on the ceiling and lifted effortlessly. There you sat, by the round table, next to Toby, our cat.

See Toby had a mysterious character, he came and went as he pleased, we shared our food and our bed but Toby will always be Toby, seeking out adventure in the dead of night, meeting up with alley cats playing some jazz, who knew a cats life but a cat really. All I could do was watch this magnificent creature stride with ease and confidence towards me as I laid my hand on his soft fur to pet his furry head.

"What a character Toby, just like that of the lion in the Lion King movie, gracing us with his presence, almost like a king capturing all attention of his subjects," you said.

I couldn't agree more. He resembled Mufasa in his mannerism yet had this demure to him that left us wondering what in life he could be experiencing.

You gave me a kiss, one that was quick yet lasting. One filled with love and nothing but love.. and the day began. A shoebox in the attic was brought down, its color a murky brown having lasted through the test of time, it had been years since you first started compiling it but it was my first time seeing its contents you had held so dearly. I was enticed.

A thick layer of dust coated the top cover, we opened it slowly, with precaution and care. Pictures, papers, pins and collections of your treasured things laid before me and one by one you took them out whilst patiently explaining what each and every item had meant to you, its significance. You watched me as I soaked in your past times that which you were sharing. At that moment, a sense of acceptance had rushed through me, feeling blessed to be the person you trusted to jump back through time with whilst opening the gates allowing me into your memories to be relived with you. We reached the end when no stone was left unturned and all elements that made the box so important had been relived and retold.

By then, the evening was upon us and so we kept these life pieces and went outside. An enormous aquarium stood before us filled to the brim with numerous exotic fishes, turtles and the like, the evening was the present but the day was still young, time was afterall but a construction was it not? Donning silly looking suits that only added to the characteristic of this quirky couple we were, we dove into the water and you held my hand as we swam past the fishes.

We lost track of time but night had come. A hot shower awaited us. We undressed each other when you held me by my waist and carressed the small of my back, pulled me in closer and gave me a peck on my cheek, your breath leaving me warm. Our eyes met and I delved so deep into those brown eyes, my affection for you multiplied infinitely as I allowed you to swiftly take me away into the steam where we got lost in each other.

Jazz music played followed by the Blues. We sat by the fireplace on the springy but yet comfortable couch with a cup of hot chocolate and a wool blanket making funny faces, laughing and chatting away at all idiosyncrocies of people we had seen on the street the day before. Talking all night we did until we fell asleep in each others arms.

Just a day. It only took a day for me to fall for you and I fell for you time and time again. And as the sounds of trains on the railways grew louder and louder in my head, with each wall trembling, the bed shaking, I slowly regained consciousness and awoke to the realization that I was indeed, lost. Paradise was but in the constraints of my mind and you, you my dear soul, ceased to exist in reality though forever remaining etched in memory.

A mystery unsolved, a lifetime behind a door with no key, each dream seen through a tiny keyhole leaving me longing for more, always just out of reach...

Distractions

They're everywhere.

I should be writing my essay, reading up on necessary texts, making sure I hand in work that I'd be proud to be graded on but I keep getting sidetracked and I'm sure you do too.

Sometimes I wonder why we let ourselves be locked into this system, these institutions, this process that churns out graduates on an annual basis. What if we were given the freedom to pursue whatever we wanted since the dawn of time and never looked back? Do you think society might be just a little bit better than it is now? Maybe a little bit greater than how we are now?

Emotions, they sneak up on you.

So many feelings and ideas, flashbacks go through my mind on a daily basis. It sometimes stirs up emotions I'd rather not deal with at that moment but it happens hey. What can we do? Meditate? Learn to control them or just allow them to take over knowing you'll somehow come out stronger than before?

It's a mixture. Music, numb feet, tired eyes, weight on our shoulders, yeah.

And Bill Withers - Lean on Me plays on in the background...

Whose rules do we play by?

Ya know how they, whoever the hell "they" are, tell us to be individuals? Yet we consume the same news, wear the same clothes, follow certain trends, talk in specific ways and just go about a routine?

Yet, when we act differently, we're looked upon and seen as an outcast.

Whose rules are we suppose to play by?

If you play the game, Life, solely on your own rules and terms, it's inevitable, you're going to hurt someone or rather, a bunch of people.

Then there's this internal dilemma of, are those people worth it if they cannot respect you and your seemingly different way of life?

OR should you have more compassion and care? Cause caring seems to be a weakness but it's also a saving grace. Don't you think so?

Where is the line? How do we define what constitutes as "the line" anyway?

Too many questions.

By playing the rule of norms are we subjecting ourselves to consented submission.

How does everyone else do this? Live. As in, actually live life according to how you want to live it, not just a daily, weekly routine we adhere to. I feel bionic.

Enclosed. As my mind races.

Day In, Day Out

Morning sunshine crept into my bedroom as the curtains were but a thin layer of cloth. Michael Buble's rendition of Ray Charles' Georgia on My Mind steadily escalated in volume as my ears met with the sweet voice that awoke me from my deep slumber. I turn to face my smartphone (as that's what it seems most people my age do nowadays) and stare at the time. 8:55AM. I think to myself: "That's enough time to allow Michael to finish the song before having to wake up". 9:00AM a new day had began.

It's as if so much goes on in life but yet we capture so little often feeling as if our days are wasted, that we were unproductive. But, perhaps it's simply due to the distractions we have, a smartphone, facebook, twitter, internet, wifi and the likes that keeps us firmly separated from a world full of experiences to be undertaken. People to be met. Conversations to transpire.

10:00AM, class commences. A handful of people leave and another handful enter, some droopy-eyed, others disinterested, some amused and others just blending into their surrounding. Discussion. Views are exchanged.

Class ends and soon another one begins. The day seems to pass by rather quickly, perhaps it was the string of conversations, perhaps it was me running away from a particular 'something' or 'somethings'. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what this feeling was but it definitely was without a single doubt in mind, a mixture of emotions. A blur.

4:00PM The rain. Sheets of water descended upon campus grounds. So often we shield ourselves from this "harmful" blessing from the sky. When did we stop enjoying what is only natural to this earth? And so, I decided to walk in the heavy rain, in spite of the short distance to the waiting car, it felt liberating. It reminded me of better times, holiday times, times of being carefree even if just for a few days. Drenched, soaked, cold but a seemingly strange sense of warmth coursed through my veins.

Uncertain. Fickled. The weather. It plays on moods, as if it had a mind of its own. Maybe it does. So many mysteries of the universe are unsolved, this may very well be one of them. Time now feels a little bit slower, not draggy but just somewhat more uplifting. Fears were faced. Relationships strengthened. That 'something(s)' which I tried to avoid eventually took its toll but ended well. I was glad.

Nightfall arrived. My mind races. Thoughts amplify. A sense of uncertainty brought about a wave of hidden paranoia. Refusal to crumble. Finding a way out. Temporary relief. A transparent ball filled to the brim with questions, endless questions always.

Home. Sanctuary. Conversation. Day, OVERCOMED & CONQUER.

I was, indeed, on my way, to being free.

Our Collective Identity

Please allow me to share my story and who knows, maybe we are more alike than you think.

Rejection. That's one of the things that scares me the most, it's what stops me from doing many things and I don't know about you but I think many of us fail to pursue something we desire strictly out of fear of failing and falling, hard.

There are times when fear has dictated my life, those times being the low times, dark times, times of uncertainty and doubt. The mind is strange, when we're high on life and everything works out it's not hard to lose track of what's real and what's an illusion. I find that when we're happy, everything works for the better but when things take a turn for the worse, that's when doubt clouds our minds, the future becomes blurry and suddenly it seems like everything is unknown to you and that light at the end of the tunnel begins to dim.

At this point, should we feel frustrated? Angry? Sad? With reason, sure of course. It's part of our human nature to experience these sorts of emotions and feelings but should we let our lives be dictated by them? No. Guaranteed, that's easier said than done but we've got to start somewhere and this RoxyDareYourself competition I've joined is exactly what I did for myself. To make myself and those around me proud. To feel like I can do it and even what's best is that through surrounding myself with poeple who believe in me, they save me from my own doubt and uncertainty.

Perhaps we deserve some things in life, perhaps others can have special treatment because of who they are, their background and perhaps because of all the bad luck we have, we may come to think that the universe is against us or that we deserve more.

Well, No.

We reap what we sow. We work hard and results will prove our worth. The universe doesn't owe us anything, instead it is up to us to get what we want in life, the experiences you want, seize it, that goal you aspire to reach, go for it. Do what it takes because that's what I'm doing now.

In all honesty, the past 2 weeks for me has been a complete emotional roller coaster. But then I joined this RoxyDareYourself competition and believe that with effort and hard work, I can win this. Competing on a regional scale with other participants from other South Asia countries, competition is crazy stiff.

I'm trying and I'm not going to stop until I've given it my all. So please vote for me, please lend me your hand of support, voting ends on April 12th and facebook only allows one vote daily per facebook account. I encourage you to vote and spread the word and in turn hope that through this post you too will try your best to go for what you want in life and create a network of people who believe in you and who would like to see you succeed.

Thank you for reading. :)

I'm Sorry but I've gotta take care of myself first

How can we even begin to save others when its we ourselves that need saving?

So much courses through my mind day in day out, the meaning of life, the search for what it means, the quest for freedom.

The living in the now but that now is being taken away by all the mental stress I can hardly hear my own thoughts without being interrupted by some other thought that manages to creep its way through.

I'm starved for a life but what life would that be if not my own?

How to best put these sensations and emotions I'm feeling into words I don't know how yet, perhaps that has to do with my inability to fully use the English language to its fullest to express what it is I want to convey.

Perhaps the solution to all this is just to read more books.

That way the cycle may continue in a loop, read more books, learn more words and definitions, better express problems and poof come up with more complex ones.

Oh Lord. I just want to go into temporary hibernation. Forget the world, responsibilities, people who add to the stress and just vacate somewhere unknown.

Someday... maybe I'll disappear..

Is that selfish of me?

Being the bigger person

This has been on the back of my mind for the past few days. It was an encounter of which I had the misfortune of experiencing firsthand.

You see, when people think that using a condescending tone will get them what they want, they are gravely mistaken.

More so, when their choice of words are that off a 12 year old boys vocabulary.

Merely raising ones voice does nothing but show immaturity, lack of patience and an obvious lack of critical thinking on how best to problem solve.

Attempting to look and by extension, feel, superior may work when you are in a position to degrade others.

That, too being unacceptable behaviour of an evidently unsuitable "leader".

I, however, refuse to stand for such treatment.

When someone does not heed to advice, one that will save the person from not only embarrassment but also a terrible first impression, I suggest that person take the advice.

The fact that there was a need to speak to me as if I lacked the capability of understanding only goes to show how little one listened with the intent of understanding. Instead, one seems to have heard solely for the purpose of responding.

Listen, understand, think, and then react.

Don't react out of haste or impulse just because it "appears" to elevate you into a higher position; it doesn't.

Silly people will always be around us, it is our choice on how we choose to respond and/or react to them.

IF we need to.

Some people do not deserve the time of day.

Others however, should remember, age does not determine maturity nor does it demand instant respect.

Respect is mutual. Is must be given to be received.

Hopefully, there will no longer be such unnecessary encounters in the future.

More for your sake than mine, you have more on the line.

Did you stop to think about that?

Perhaps you should have.

Good Day.

Not sure what's on your mind

We should never give up.

Not in ourselves.
Not in others who matter.
Not in the universe.

Perseverance is a much bigger word than we care to give it credit for.
I will always try...

Aged

2013 is here, the new year is upon us once again. Resolutions are made, some completed, some never started.

Many look upon the new year as a new beginning but I look at it as a continuation of the previous year and the years before that. A way to close a chapter that perhaps lasted a few years and a way to open a new one where its time has come.

As years past by we age, there's no doubt about that, it's a fact. But how we choose to live life as we age, at an older age is what keeps our spirit alive.

With that, I leave you with this video, in hopes that you believe that you are only as old as you believe you are. Youth is within, the elixir of life stems from self enlightenment and self help. Only you can live life the way you want to.